Twenty Five.

On Facebook, there is a chain note going around that is about 25 random things you want to share with all of your friends, family, co workers, residents, etc. I made one on Facebook, but would really like to do another one with things I didn't really want to put out in the open. Here goes!

1. I love Jesus. 
2. Music really is the life blood that flows through my veins. I constantly have a song in my head or a beat I need to tap out with my fingers. If I could listen to music 24 / 7, I would.
3. Last year, my heart was broken. It's the worst feeling in the entire world. 
4. That being said, I am in no rush to get married or have kids. I have so many things I want to do in my life and I don't want to become an adult faster than necessary.
5. However, I do totally have baby names picked out and my perfect wedding planned. It's such a girl thing to do. I've known how many kids I want and what songs I want playing at my wedding since I was five. 
6. I find TV, movies, books, music, and sleep to be an escape. The greatest of these is sleep. 
7. Books are a close second though. I love the idea of having a new reality every three hours (about the time it takes me to read a book). I especially like the idea of a perfect reality, where yes, hurt happens, but by the end, a positive resolution has happened and everyone loves each other again. Too bad life isn't like that.
8. It's also too bad that my life is not a John Hughes movies, with Jake Ryan waiting for me outside the church where my sister just got married, because everyone forgot my 16th birthday and he just wanted to finally meet me. 
9. I am so much more vulnerable than people could ever imagine. For those of you who don't know, humor is a complete defense mechanism. Chew on that for a little while, it'll all start to make sense. 
10. And if you hurt me, chances are you will never know. 
11. However, hurt is something that, if I could, I would take on for anyone I loved. I would rather be the one that is hurt than you. All I want for my friends and family is happiness and if that means I have to be sad or disappointed, so be it. 
12. I am full of secrets. Sometimes I just want to shout them out from the rooftops but then I'm scared people will think I'm weird. But there are some things I'd like to tell some people but I have no idea how they will react and that makes me nervous. 
13. I wish that I could love people the same way God loves people. Especially where it says, "Love keeps no record of wrong." I can point out every single time someone lied to me, even if I have forgiven them and all is well in our friendship. I can forgive, but I can't forget. All I want is to forget. 
14. I have seen a counselor since I was 10 years old. It is one of the best things a person can do. I have learned so much about myself and discovered ways to handle with stressful situations in a safe and constructive way. 
15. Speaking of counseling, I like to set goals for myself. This year my goal is to be authentic. Whether that is with myself, with others, or with God, I am trying to be open and honest in my words and actions. Being true to oneself is far more difficult than I had ever anticipated. 
16. I have an unlimited knowledge of obscure movie and music trivia. It's kind of ridiculous sometimes.
17. I also know more about my friends than I think they realize. I'm very selfish and I tend to direct the conversation towards me but I really do care about people and what they like / desire / need / want / worry about / you name it. I think some people would find it to be weird if they ever asked me to tell them about themselves. They might be shocked at how much I could say. 
18. Last year was one of the worst years of my life and that is saying a lot considering I grew up with a drug addict and my childhood was spent telling lies to cover everyone's tracks. Not only was my heart broken, I also had a cancer scare, I turned my back on God and everyone at home, and I felt completely and utterly alone. 
19. This year has been one of the best. I started seeing an amazing counselor who has helped me to work through the pain of last year, I focused my life back on Jesus and am so thankful he heals the broken and loves unconditionally. I also met two amazing women and God has blessed me with their friendship!
20. I have a hard time sleeping sometimes, as you could probably deduce from the post I made at 3:30am yesterday. Or this morning technically. I just can't shut my brain off long enough to relax and allow sleep to take over. 
21. The reason I can't shut my brain off is because I have ADHD. My brain is like a multi-lane highway of information and constant thoughts. I was telling my dad a simple five line story yesterday and I changed the topic at least a dozen times because I go distracted by something in the room or a thought that popped into my brain that I had to say at that exact second. He didn't understand why I was like that, but my mom and I just looked at each other and said, ADHD. 
22. I love watching French films with subtitles. Actually, I just love subtitles. Sometimes I'll just turn the on so I can read and watch the movie at the same time. I'm a nerd. I know. 
23. I loved being a nanny for the past six years because I absolutely love kids and seeing them grow and learn. The best part about being a nanny however, is giving the kids back at the end of the day. 
24. Speaking of kids, my nephew Zeke has the best sounding laughter in all of the world. That is until I have my own kids. But Zeke's laugh will definitely be the best for at least another five years. 
25. I wish that being loud didn't automatically make me untrustworthy. I know more secrets than you could possibly imagine and you don't see me blogging about those now do you? I wish people, well, one specific person, would trust me enough to always be honest with me and never lie to me again. And yes, I do have a count of how many times this person has lied to me. We're at four, as of today. And those aren't just little lies, like "No, I don't have any more gum." They are big ones. Ones that were unnecessary and completely avoidable. 

Well, that's all for now. I'm going to try and hit the hay. Lord only knows if I'll actually fall asleep. 

Sleep always evades me when I need it the most.

2:30am. This is not the time one should be blogging. This is however, the time that one should be sleeping. Unfortunately, that is not on my agenda right now. I have so many thoughts in my mind, but I can't seem to dull them enough to grab those precious z's I've been missing. So here goes nothing.

Two weeks ago, I was deeply hurt by a friend. It's a long story, but to make it short and (bitter) sweet, she simply knew something that I didn't. This little piece of knowledge was enough to crush me. Finding out that she knew a week ahead of time? That was devastating. When this little truth bomb was dropped, I proceeded to lay in my bed the rest of the day with two of my best friends and just wallow in self pity. Such a glamorous life I lead, huh?

To be fair, I do see her side. She didn't want to break someone's trust and tell me what she had been told. It would be gossiping- right? Well, yes and no. Yes, if we're talking about Bon Qui Qui wearing a beret and acting like a Frenchy. No, if we're talking about my heart, my feelings. A simple heads up would have sufficed, but I was not given that courtesy.

Needless to say, I'm still a little bitter. That might not be the right word, but I don't know what is. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I've had time to grieve my loss and God is at work healing my wound, but for some reason this whole situation hangs over my head. I see her and she pretends that everything is fine, yet I can't look her in the eye and not feel betrayed. Betrayed may be too strong a word. For an English major, I seem to be having a difficult time expressing how I feel.

I guess I'm just hurt. It's not a fancy or sophisticated word, but in this case, it's a four letter word that completely expresses how I feel. I'm hurt that she didn't tell me. I'm hurt that she didn't care that I was crushed. I'm hurt that she can't see my side. I'm hurt that she doesn't want to see my side. I'm hurt that our friendship was not as strong as I once thought.

I understand that life comes as us fast and hard and it can change in an instant. People come and they go; only a few stay for the long haul. I always thought that she would be one of those people that stayed. Laughed with me during the good times and lifted me up during the bad. I guess I was wrong.