No Bkim,

I haven't posted a blog in a while. Suck ma dick.

Guillermo

I am Guillermo.
My brother is Esteban.
Bethany is.... Sucio. Minus the death.

Who wouldn't thunk?

It was a night of firsts, that's for sure.

Including, but not limited to:
Dance party in the Meland's car to Tippin On Ma Dick
Drinks and Karaoke at Applebee's- I know, we were shocked too.
Sleeping in butt-less underwear.
Baking with green butter in honor of... St Patrick's Day?
Talking to a weather element for the first time in months.
First time Bethany has hung out with my brother.
First time I didn't want to kill him.
First time I may have begun to accept his lifestyle 'cause Lord knows it's ain't changing.


I think that's all.... but tune in tomorrow to see what we decide to bake!

it's early

and i'm cold.
and my mouth is burning from the large amount of pineapple i ate for breakfast.
bad idea.

Decent.

Today was alright. I can't really complain. I worked out with Jillian Michaels in my dorm room. Pretty sure I won't be able to move in the morn. I signed up for her online program today too. I'm going to try and do this whole working out / eating right thing. Tomorrow though. I'm so totally sitting here eating French bread and Nutella. The creamy, chocolaty, hazelnutty spread is from the devil.
Anyway, Holly D said she'll be my personal trainer of sorts and my accountability partner. She may only be 5'2" but I'm pretty certain she could kick my butt. Which is a good thing in this case. So that's my plan this summer. If I make progress, I'll, let you know. If I don't, I'm deleting this so no one will know I failed. I think that's a fair trade.
I should get back to my Lit paper I've been puttinng off..... oh and definitely my Nutella.

It's Official

I'm not sad anymore! Since my last post I finally sat down and talked with Snow in what Bkim affectionately calls the Wounded Knee Massacre. Things went well, everyone was honest, and although we are still not friends, we can be in the same place without me wanting to kill her. Definitely a plus. That was really weighing heavy on my heart so I'm glad we finally worked things out.
I also finally got (mostly) caught up with my school work- in some classes, I'm even ahead! Who would have thought that was actually going to happen? Yeah, NO ONE! I'm really proud of myself for not giving up and I'm really excited to see what I can do for the last 4 weeks of the semester.
Another great thing is I got a job for summer! I'm going to be a summer RA here at school and I'll have two classes so I can fulfill my last core requirements before fall semester.
Ahhhhh things are just so awesome! I'm feeling good, the sun is out, my room is almost clean, YAY YAY YAY!

When will I stop

being so sad?

Mer.

Emotional Upheaval

I guess I just don't know why I try anymore. Nothing ever works out right and I am always the one who gets hurt.

I wish that I could just rewind back to the summer, when we were all happy. Snow and I were friends, the boys actually wanted to hang out with us, the sun was shining, Trevor and Ashley were still together and things just felt right.

My Friday Night:

Pearl Harbor, Schindler's List and Atonement. Anyone sensing a theme here?

Yep, you guessed it, I'm depressed. And currently I'm in my, "I need to cry until there is no more liquid left in my body" phase. Thankfully the "I'm catatonic, leave me alone" phase is next.

However, in the midst of such self pity, one of my residents came in and said, "Pearl Harbor, Schindler's List and Atonement? What are you trying to do, bawl your eyes out?" "Ding ding ding, you are right. Unfortunately though, I've cried so much in the last three days I don't know if I have anything left." To which Alicia retorted, "Challenge accepted."

For the first time in 36 hours, a genuine smile showed up on my face.

A conversation:

Upon looking at my novel, A Raisin in the Sun, Kim said,
"What is she a raisin?"
"Did you just say that because she was black?"
"Yes."

Aw the joys of being an RA. Residents (and friends) come in sporadically and say golden things such as this.

I had an interesting Valentine's Day. Granted, it was only interesting because I logged onto Skype, which I haven't done in over a month, so technically any day between January 1st and today could have been interesting. Why you ask? Well, the boy I have successfully been avoiding added me on Skype. I accepted his friend request, but am a little nervous to be online now. Do I want to talk with him? The answer will always be yes. Is it a good idea to talk with him? The answer will always be no. We ended things because, well, we were (and are) toxic to each other. That will never change. But neither will the love I have for him. He was my first love and nothing will make me forget him. He will forever have a piece of my heart, but now the question is, how do I keep him from taking more than he already has?

also:

the word swagger is stupid.

mer.

i hate people.
well,
specific people.
and
hate is a strong word.
dislike.
i dislike people.
with a passion.

I'm sick of

Drama.
Half-truths.
Sympathy.
Forgiveness.
Being angry.
Being jealous.
Competition.
My general attitude.

It's Almost Time

Financial aid is through.
Schedule is (almost) perfect.
Room is clean.
Bulletin board is about 85% done.
Door decs need to be hung.
Family drama is at its height.
Friend drama has begun.
Stress has definitely kicked in.

The overwhelming feeling of a make-or-break semester has consumed my body and I am just ready to get  things started.

I have a feeling I am going to regret that statement later.

Two Things

1. Velveeta Cheese is weird. Is it even cheese? I think it's like Kevlar- completely man made and not natural at all.
2. I am addicted to Bananagrams. I've lost about 6 hours in the past three days because I've been playing on Facebook. It's a sickness.

"Things get hairy when a small group of mixed genders get lost in the world together."

I can understand where my friend is coming from when he says this. Things always get complicated when men and women are confined to a small space for an extended period of time. This may be an idealized view, but with the group I am thinking of going with, I do not foresee any problems. A love connection between anyone is completely out of the question, although, arguments are not. I think if we go with a plan and a free spirited attitude, everything will be fine!

Let's hope that my friend gets over his apprehensions and he decides to come with us. Bethany and I are also hoping for one or two specific people to come with us on our journey... we'll see how that goes too! The chances that they will join us are slim to none, but we'll keep a positive attitude until they give us a solid no.

1,378 Miles

Short back story:
My friends Evan, Eric, and Marc came over for dinner last week and at some point in the evening Evan dropped this bomb on us: "Don't you ever just want to get in the car and just drive?" I pushed the thought to the back of my mind for the next few days, but revisited it when I was talking with a woman from school about my summer plans. This past summer she took a road trip with her boyfriend and said that it was one of the best weeks of her life. They did what Evan wanted to do- just drove. Bringing along a tent and a camp stove and conveniently forgetting their map at home, they drove until they found a place they wanted to explore. No rules, no expectations, no plans.

My questions:
Spontaneity is definitely not a word you would use to describe me. I make lists, I have plans, I have goals written out for the next five years of my life. Yet, when Anelise was telling me about this trip I was entranced. How amazing would it be to go out in the world and just be? What would I learn? What would I experience? And most importantly, how much fun would it be?!?

Our plan:
Bethany and I are going to go on a road trip this summer. However, instead of driving aimlessly, we want to go to the Grand Canyon. If we take I5 through California, it will be 1,378 miles from my house to the edge of the Canyon (thanks Google Maps). We would love for our good friend and trip instigator Evan to come along. However, the issues that would go along with that are hefty enough for their own blog entry.

I'm really excited to go now. I almost can't wait for July when we begin our journey across the West coast. It is going to be EPIC.

Appearances are often deceiving

I have three good friends. We met at church this summer and became "The Sistahs." We had great fun whenever we were together, which was often. We hung out with a group of boys and became one big group who spent most weekends watching movies, playing games, and having the most random conversations you could think of.

Over the summer, we were inseparable. Then the rain started to fall and so did our friendship. I feel like it started off with my bad attitude. I became bitter towards one of my sistahs, and it poisoned our group faster than I could have even imagined. I conveniently forgot to invite her to events and when she would join us, I would ignore her or treat her differently than everyone else. I justified it by saying she was lying (which she was) and intentionally leaving me and only me out (which she was).

In addition to this sistah, I had an issue with another one as well. I quickly became irritated with her pitiful attitude, and her constant need for attention. I also couldn't handle having to coddle her and repeatedly give her positive reinforcements. I'm not at all interested in treating a 20 year old like she's 12, and unfortunately, my lack of interest and patience began to ruin this friendship as well.

I find it interesting how on the outside, things can appear to be perfect. Four women can appear to be best friends but the inside of their friendship is full of lies, backstabbing and hateful gossip.

However, my attitude has begun to change. After listening to the sermon at church today, I decided I no longer wanted to have a bitter heart. Hating someone takes just as much energy as loving someone, and yet the outcome is in no way positive. The road to forgiveness is long and bumpy, but I'm going to travel it, to not only forgive those that have hurt me, but also to forgive myself for hurting others.